Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
