the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
