remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
