Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i now understand why vodka
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
