Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
