the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
