dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
