no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
