i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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