your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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