You don't have asthma, your pregnant
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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