Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
