His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
