i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
