Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
