It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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