In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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