Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
