Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
