I'm passing your future prison.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
