I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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