Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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