dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
