Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize