I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
