I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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