I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you would pick up someone in the library
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
