I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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