Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
