the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
