The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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