Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
