I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I supernannyed him into submission
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