I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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