I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
