last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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