Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
