First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
