So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
