I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
