Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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