I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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