You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
