Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
