I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
