Already got asked if we're dating
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
