it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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