alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
