I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
