I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
