I just pynch a tree in the face
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
