I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize