You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
