I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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