I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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