This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
